Sixteen years ago, after a night out with friends where waaay too much red wine was imbibed, I woke up with the mother of all hangovers. I was at that point also a mother myself and instead of being able to go back to bed for a few hours until recuperated enough to meet my fellow Saturday Night Survivors for brunch as I had done for most of my twenties and thirties, I had to change a poopy diaper. My head felt like it was in a vise as I shoved a bottle in my daughter's mouth. Never again, I swore to myself. Never. Again.
Of course I'd said that before. Since that first weekend at college, I had loved alcohol. Unfortunately, it had never loved me back. Whether I had one drink or twenty, I always suffered the next day and I would swear, never again.
But that time I meant it.
Since that long ago day, I don't think I've had more than three glasses of wine in total. Which, to be honest, most people think is weird and rarely understand. They either think I'm hiding some big secret (is she an alcoholic? Was she in rehab? DUI?) or they try and push alcohol on me (Just have one!). Surprisingly, it's in the work context where I feel most uncomfortable as a non-drinker. At one work dinner in a fancy restaurant in Manhattan, I felt pressure to sip at least some of the wine the waiter kept pouring. After a decade of not drinking, I was rewarded with a migraine by dessert.
Looking back on it, I think I enjoyed drinking so much and for so long because it was a way for me to get out of my own head and that is one thing I do miss -- to be honest, I sometimes need a break from being me. I also miss the social lubricant part of alcohol -- try getting through the office Christmas party without some tepid Chardonnay. Let me tell you -- it's brutal. I think the hardest part of not drinking is that there are some relationships of mine that have suffered -- and continue to suffer -- because of my teetotaler life choices. That said, I don't think it is any coincidence that I only started writing seriously after I gave up the booze. In order to be a good writer, I think you have to be able to examine yourself without any protective filter. I needed to be stripped of my Cosmo-girl haze before I was able to have anything meaningful to throw on the page. All in all, not a bad little silver lining to have.