Grief 101 -- The First Week

My father died a week ago today. Below are a few things I wish I could’ve told my last week self:

YOU ARE NOT PREPARED

My father was 79 and had been in ill health — off and on — for several years. I knew this day was coming. If you had asked me a week ago whether I was prepared for the death of my father I would have — quite confidently — told you yes. Guess what? I was not prepared. At all.

Because the truth is that nothing can prepared you for the tsunami of grief that will hit you when the man who has held your hand emotionally and physically for fifty-five years is no longer there. And instead of fighting this undeniable fact — and chastising myself for not keeping it together in a better way — I wish I had just ridden that wave and accepted that, yes, I was a wreck and that that was okay.

CELEBRATE THE PEOPLE WHO SHOWED UP FOR YOU

The most amazing people have shown up for me. Work colleagues who told me to “take all the time I need.” My husband who took care of everything on the home front while I’ve spent the last week in Florida. My in-laws who had masses said for my father. Facebook friends — some of whom I haven’t seen in decades — providing heart-felt messages of support. The Florida neighbors who made us casseroles. The family members who called and sent flowers and — most importantly — shared the collective grief for the loss of the wonderful man I was honored to call father and they were honored to call cousin, brother-in-law, uncle and friend.

AND IGNORE THE ONES THAT DIDN’T

You will be shocked by some of the people who didn’t pick up the phone or send a card or send flowers. It will make you angry and, in some ways, it would feel so good to focus on that anger and disappointment — because if you’re angry, there’s less room for grief. Don’t do it. Ignore them for now.

BUSY WORK IS YOUR FRIEND

Cleaning out closets. Organizing papers. Things I normally hate provided me with a focus that was oddly comforting and took me out of myself for at least a few hours.

IT’S OK TO LAUGH

My brother, sister, mother and I have had more laughs this week than you would imagine as we sifted through photos and cleaned closets. The one bright spot of this week has been the extended time I could spend with them. Treasure it and remember it’s okay not to cry all the time. Dad would want us to laugh.

IT’S OK TO TURN OFF THE NEWS AND NOT READ YOUR EMAILS

Yeah, I know we’re in the middle of WWIII and before last Thursday I read every article and watched hours of CNN. I have absolutely no idea what’s happening in the Ukraine. After day two, my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and I couldn’t even think about opening a work email. That’s okay. The world will be there when this week is over.

PAY IT FORWARD

When a friend or work colleague lost a parent — especially one who had lived a “good long life,” I have to admit, my condolences were always rather perfunctory. After all, death comes to us all. However, now I get it. And I hope in the future to be able to show others the understanding and compassion I’ve received this week.